Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
Your beauty is like Pi, never-ending.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!
"Hey baby, you look so good, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of y'all!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Did you hear about the two bats meeting? It was love at first bite!
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
Me: I'll have a Corona please.
Waiter: *Cough*
Me: Thank you.
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
Looks like we’re Taylor made for each other
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
She thought he was too shallow.
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet slitter.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
I am a mean green machine.
Wow Avery, love the name. Makes sense since you are Avery beautiful girl.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
Even Mozart couldn't make a composition as beautiful as you
You must be a flip turn because I’m head over heels for you.
You sweep me off my feet!
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