Even The Beatles think that we should "Come Together." "Right now."
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
I bet you’re really flexible.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wayne
Wayne who?
Wayne in a manger!
What's the meanest thing ever?
When you ask a gnome, “What will you be when you grow up?”
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
What is the best period of a bee's relationship?
The honeymoon.
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom.
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
Why was the bucket so embarrassed at the beach?
Because of how pail it was.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Hi, you’re so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line. Would you settle for just flowers?
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
My Cobra pose isn't the only thing that's rising upward.
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