“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Honey, you’re a slam dunk!
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
I normally fish for trout but I'll make and exception for you.
Are you a tower? Because eiffel for you!
A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.
Is your body from McDonald's? Cause I'm lovin' it!
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
What do ducks get after they eat?
A bill.
The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
What's your number?? Err I mean your name?
Are you my phone charger? Because without you, I’d die
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
Can I give you a hug to show you how soft my sweater is?
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
Have you heard of the hair stylist that refuses to cut hair?
If she won't cut hair to earn a living, she'll certainly dye.
Are you a needle? Because you are sew special to me.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
"When I'm older looking back at all of my finest memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you."
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
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