You had me at ruff.
I just can't take the bad s*x anymore.
My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.
I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet...
They were two toucans.
"Partners in wine."
What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
You’d better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
The fact is your refractive index is greater than 2.42. That means you shine brighter than a diamond!
Your hand looks heavy—can I hold it for you?
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
Do you know why Uranium is my favorite element on the periodic table of elements? That’s because I love U!
My life is so sad and lonley (why) because you're not in it.
How will you make a baby astronaut fall asleep peacefully? Rock-et.
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
People tell me I have a good breaststroke, but I'd say I'm a pretty good swimmer too.
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
Good game--you certainly scored all your extra points with me.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your Wifi?"
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says, "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."
What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!
What do bulls do when they go shopping? They CHARGE!
H20 is water, but what is H204?
It’s for swimming and drinking, of course.
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
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