Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
Are you the flags in a 200 back swim? Because I’ve been looking for you forever.
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
Babe, your beauty makes the morning sun look like the dull glimmer of the moon.
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
I made a snap decision to watch football today
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
How do gorillas get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
Gold riddance.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
Paddy like a rockstar.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?
No-Kia.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
People with a cold - "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible."
People with Corona Virus - "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago."
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
I went to the butcher's the other day and asked them, how do you prepare your turkey for Thanksgiving?
They said that they just tell them straight out that you're gonna die.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
Let's procreate like the snakes in the Narcisse Dens.
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
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