It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
If I told you that you have a wonderful antibody, would you hold it against me?
Are you Broca’s aphasia? Because you leave me speechless…
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
When a dinosaur gets a goal in a soccer tournament, it is known as a dino-score.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?
Kermit the Fog.
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
What did the player on the Bumblebee basketball team say after making a foul shot?
Hive Scored!
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
“I gotta warn ya, every man I’ve ever gone out with has been ruined.”
“Well, that’s what they get for messing with my girl.”
- Bugsy (1991)
These puns are turtle-y hilarious.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
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