Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.

What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!

What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"

Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.

If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.

My fire tonight...
Was lit!

“Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.”

“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”

- Conan O’Brien.

Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.

You're like the neighbors' WiFi. Everyone wants to use you.

What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!

What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!

Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.

Metaphors be with you.

“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”

- Rodney Dangerfield

If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I'd only have a dollar because you never leave my mind.

How do cups get their money?
They mug people.

I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.

It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”

"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater

Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.

What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.

Of course your name is Amy. I can already tell you’re Amy-zing

What does the ski bum do when the chairlift line is too long?
He's gondola top of the mountain.

Is this the transfiguration?
Because you are glowing.

Whale, hello there.

What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.

What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.

What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?

A mist conception.

The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.

The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.

Have you been to the doctor's lately? Cause I think you're lacking some vitamin me.

“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”

What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.

What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!

Please keep your distance. I might fall for you.

How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.

When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)

What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.

My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.

Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.

"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."

Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.

“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

Do you mind if I slip my rope under your route?

What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.

Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!

What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.