I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I look at you and wham! I'm head over heels
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
"What an egg-citing day."
Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? That depends on how fast you carry it!
Life without you is like a broken pencil... pointless.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
Do you know what is the favorite key of the astronauts?
The Spacebar.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
I’m soy
into you.
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
If you're here for pee jokes, urine luck.
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
I thought this was a bar, but I must be in a museum because you’re a piece of art.
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
Hey, are you a bear cub? Because you’re un-bear-ably adorable.
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
Would you describe yourself as a ternary? Because you have a lovely form.
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
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