"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.
Where do beavers go for a hair cut? To the bobber shop.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
Why should you never do math with a tiger?
If you add 4+4 you're gonna get ate.
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
I have a great relationship with my mother… land.
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!
But it didn't effect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me...
Good thing I just bought term life insurance … because I saw you and my heart stopped!
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
What is it like to get paid smoldering at the camera while wearing expensive clothes?
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
What do you call a giant mushroom? Hu-fungus.
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.
Why can’t a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed.
Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
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