How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
I sulfur when you argon.
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
How do Santa’s elves go to different floors in the North Pole toy workshop? They use the elf-avator!
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
What type of car did the mushroom drive by in? A spores car.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled...
But it's hard to say...
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
I whale always love you.
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
Namastay here or come home with me?
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
Hey baby are you American cheese because you come as a single now.
What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A Hensemble.
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material!
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
Is your name Google? Because you've got everything I'm searching for.
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
On Thanksgiving, why did the turkey cross the table?
To get to the other sides.
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
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