Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
Are you from tenessee? Cause your the only ten I see.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe out Literacy.
Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are as clear as crystal? Because I can see straight into your soul.
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
"Bury me next to a straight man."
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
Will you be the Flin to my Flon?
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
Fairies just wand to have fun.
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
Baby, the Millennium Falcon isn't the only thing that does it in less than 12 parsecs.
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?
The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amanda
Amanda who?
A man da fix your sink!
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
Except the direction I'm walking in.
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so were you... but now the roses are wilted the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.
If I could rearrange the alphabet...
I'd leave it the way it is.
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
Are you an angle? Because you're so acute.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
Nice beach balls, can I play?
(Pick up a sugar packet off the floor) Uh, miss? I think you dropped your name tag.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
How did the gorilla know she was poorly? She had a belly ape.
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
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