Do you prefer organic or local? Because I’m both.
I always have a ball with you.
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
Why did the bus stop in the middle of the street? It saw a zebra crossing.
You must have been born in Pearl Harbor, because baby you da bomb.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
You’re the queen of my heart.
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Hey, are you Cinderella because I see that dress disappearing at midnight.
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
Are you dessert because I'm finished.
Are you a drill sergeant? Because you’ve got my privates on high alert.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
Hold on for deer life.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
An instigator.
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
Excuse Me, I’ve lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
The boot black brought the black boot back.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
Where do fish save their money?
In the river bank.
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
You make miso happy.
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