19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
Hey girl, I put the stud in Bible study.
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
I saw a flyer about a missing flower, would you call your florist and let him know you are safe?
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
Maybe you need a little Vitamin ME in your life.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
Ruby, or not Ruby…that may be one question, but mine is actually will you go out with me?
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
I'm snow bored.
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
If everything in life passes, why do not you pass me your WhatsApp?
Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
What did the happy cat say? Stay paw-sitive!
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
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