What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.
If you want to impress the crowd, hit overheads. Every point will be a smash hit.
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold.
What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.
What has 18 legs, spits a lot, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
What do you call one day below freezing and the next day at 70 degrees?
“It’s snowing today, but water you doing tomorrow?”
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
Where do the astronauts park their vehicles? At the parking meteors.
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can I worm my way in to your house!
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
When I text you goodnight later, what number should I use?
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
Can we still share a netflix account?
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
The Christmas alphabet has noel.
What do you call a meal from the moon?
A satellite dish.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
Aria free next Friday for dinner?
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
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