I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
Don’t pass on this party – rush on over.
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
I’m fondue you.
You should go back to my house and make it hot. It was so cold at night.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber? Your number.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
Are you an Advil? Cause I'd like to take you every 2-4 hours.
The square root of all my fantasies is you.
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
Of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies, I'm so lucky you walked into mine
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
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