What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB
Who’s ready to party their shamrocks off?
Knock Knock Who's there?
Pecan!
Pecan who?
Pecan somebody your own size!
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
Your beauty warms and lights up these frozen surroundings.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good place we can get something to eat?
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oakham
Oakham who?
Oakham all ye faithfull!
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
Would you sit on my feet while I do push ups?
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
How does the weather tie its shoes? Witha rainbow!
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
I just lost my job and may be Baroque, but that doesn't mean I can't show you a good time.
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
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