Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
We were mermaid for each other.
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
What do you call Santa when he accidentally falls into the fireplace? Krisp Kringle.
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
Nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?
I have a heart-on for you.
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
I think there’s something wrong with my eye. I can’t take them off of you.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
What is writing in sand called?
Sandscript.
"You're not Mr. Right.... just Mr. Right Now."
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
There's a basic difference between weather and climate: you can't weather a tree, but you can definitely climate.
Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
Do you need new shoes?
Coz you've been running through my mind since the day I met you.
You’re more special than relativity.
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
Can you teach me how to use this machine?
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
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