Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
You run like light. How can I get high-speed access?
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
How can astronauts get more protein in their diet? They make it meteor.
Please, please me
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
Irish cuisine is stew-pendous.
get nervous when I fly; do you mind if I hold your hand?
How do you keep a dog from smelling?
You hold its nose.
Is it true that you are from China since I’m China get your number?
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
I bet you are the earth and I am the sun because you become hotter as we get closer.
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
When are you due back in heaven?
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
I'm an outfielder – I'll catch you.
Hey Baby, wanna find out why they call me Pumpkin-Head?
I will always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
Are you the end of the pool? Because baby, I’d do anything to reach you.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
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