Free Wifi!
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
So, what do you turn into at midnight?
Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?
He was already stuffed.
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
Why is a field of grass always older than you?
Because it's pasture age
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
Q. Which game do hunters go after first?
A. The nearest and the deerest.
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
I'd got to bat for you, babe.
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.
I have no shelf control.
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
Can I borrow your library card? Cause I’m checking you out.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During APE-ril showers.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
Can you drive my car?
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
Looks like we’re Taylor made for each other
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.
When does a Koala go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
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