What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
The Grinch may have stolen Christmas, but you stole my heart.
I know somebody who likes you but if I weren’t so shy I would tell you who.
Hey girl, I heard God called you.
Can I do the same?
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
My lobster's name is:
Claude
I ain't greedy baby, all I want is all you got.
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cantaloupe!
Cantaloupe who?
Cantaloupe to Vegas, our parents would get mad.
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
What's the difference between butter and the corona virus?
Corona actually spreads.
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
Q: What kind of desserts does a turkey like?
A: Peach gobbler.
What do you call a Greek love song?
An Aphro-ditty.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
I like you so much that I’ll give you my real number. Not the fake ones I give to all the other guys.
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
I earned money by selling broth. Now I am a bouillonaire.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
Knock knock.
Who's there?
My divorce attorney
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.
What do you call a sad pup?
A mellon collie
What do you get when you cross two fish with two elephants?
A pair of swimming trunks.
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
Uni-corn? I though that’s what you call a single grain or maize.
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
Are you from Starbucks because I like you a latte!
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