Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?
A: Make them do limeout.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
When it comes to seasonal drinks, more and more are converting to the church of pumpkin spice,
but I choose to remain eggnogstic.
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
You must be a sustainably farmed mushroom because you’re really growing on me.
Q: Why are cherries never lonely?
A: Because they hang around in bunches.
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
Only a**holes use bidets.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
I'm no photographer but I can picture us together.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
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