What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
"Time to wine down."
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
I‘m no photographer, but I can picture us running together.
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
King Tut.
King Tut who?
King Tut-key fried chicken!
Who needs a map when one can Rome freely in your beautiful eyes?
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
You are my semicolon; always present in everything I do.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
Sit back and relax… I fix broken hearts.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
I cannot think of anything sweeter than chocolate than - oops! of course, there is you!
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
Are you that one more chapter? You keep me awake most of the time.
You know what they say about a man with big feet... he wears big shoes.
A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts,
“Hey, are you a caiman?”
The alligator replies, “I’m alright, thanks, kid!”
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.
Is it hard to count conifers? It’s as simple as one, two, tree!
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
What is the the chemical formulation for candy molecules? Carbon, Holmium, Cobalt, Lanthanum, Tellerium—or ChoCoLaTe.
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
My pet crocodile needs help
Can I give him gatorade or does it only work for alligators?
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
What do you call a paper plane that doesn't fly ?
Stationary.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
You don't need reflective gear, darling. Who could ever miss you?
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