What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
No costume? Oh you lucky girl, you don’t need Halloween. You look like an angel every day.
Which candy do astronauts like? Marsbar.
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
Where are koalas taken when they die? To an ancient bearial site.
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
Dad: "Knock, knock!"
Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
Did you alter my vestibular apparatus?! Because I keep falling over for you!
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
Do you have a Band-Aid? I just scraped my knee falling for you.
Skier: Doc, I think I'm addicted to skiing at Loveland Ski Are
Shrink: You may be going down a slippery slope. Do you feel a divide?
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
How do you make a rabbit float? Put soda, syrup, and milk into a glass. Add one rabbit.
Hey there cyclist, an I make you a recovery drink? You're going to need it.
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
I hear you're looking for a stud. Well, I've got the STD and all I need is you.
After the guy broke his arm skiing, he realized it was all downhill from there.
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
You don't need reflective gear, darling. Who could ever miss you?
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