Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
Did you get your license suspended for driving so many guys crazy?
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
What do llamas always say after yoga class?
“Llamaste.”
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
I’m diagnosing you to see if you’d make a good boyfriend.
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a bogey in it.
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
How does a bee get to school?
She takes a school buzz
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
Knock knock. Who's there?
You're.
You're who?
You're single again.
You should go back to my house and make it hot. It was so cold at night.
How did the pine propose to the apple? With a pineapple ring.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
Hi, I'm the Easter Bunny and I don't care if you are naughty or nice!
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
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