"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
If there was no gravity on this planet, I would still fall for you.
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas?
Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
I'd like to eat breakfast with you.
Can I invite you to dinner?
Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
I don’t need to be a doctor to diagnose you with acute smile.
Let’s take an elfie.
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
I saw a flyer about a missing flower, would you call your florist and let him know you are safe?
What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
I used to fear giants.
Now I look up to them.
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
Are you made of uranium? I’m made of iodine! That explains why all I can see is U and I together.
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
What title did the car have in the Navy?
Rear window Admiral.
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
No one can accuse this trip of being plane.
What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
Go to BabaMail
