Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
Heisenberg was wrong. I'm certain about what you're doing tonight.
What kind of berry has a coloring book? A crayon-berry
I’m a fraction – be my other half.
You must be a geologist because you rock my world.
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? Pillowcases.
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
Would you sit on my feet while I do push ups?
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
Once you finish deep breathing, do you want to start panting?
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
Your ass is so nice, it's a shame you have to sit on it.
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Hey sugar-buns, do you play Center? Wanna be the center of my attention?
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
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