Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can you do the same?
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
I read a story about pig anatomy.
It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
Are you from China? Cause I'm China get your number.
Hey babe. Wanna go for a timmies run?
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
You're the thought that counts!
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
He’s not a bad dog.
He’s just a little ruff around the edges.
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
Why are people buying so much toilet paper because of the corona virus?
Because when one person sneezes, 100 people shit themselves.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
Forget hydrogen, you're my number one element.
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
What can I say? I enjoy going to court.
So sue me.
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
We've been driving all day, I need a brake.
My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
Where do you get frog's eggs?
At the spawn shop.
"You'd better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart."
- Grey's Anatomy
I must be a diamond now, because you just gave me a hardness of 10.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Apart from being a running gear model, what do you do for a living?
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
I have a heart-on for you.
I followed my heart to you.
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
I actually prefer that life give me lemons so that I can make a pretty lady like you some lemonade on a hot Summer's day.
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
Go to BabaMail
