“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
Frankenstein wasn’t very compliant.
He was mad and annoyed and defiant.
But he happened to pass
Anger management class —
And turned into The Jolly Green Giant!
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
Could this be the trail that leads to your heart?
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ? Slippers
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Ken I come in?
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
Why was the wheelchair basketball team banned from the Paralympics?
They all tested positive for WD-40.
I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
"Look, our relationship is like doing push ups on your knees. It's just not working out"
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
I love you more than my mom loves Céline Dion.
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
Copernicus was wrong, you are the center of my universe.
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty
Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
"The Centipede"
I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.
– May Fenn
I am so dedicated to basketball, but I promise you I will bring that dedication to our relationship.
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