Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
We’ve reached the pint of no return.
Affogato? Afforgeto where I am when I'm with you.
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
We must be near an airport, because my heart just took off when I saw you!
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
Snow on and snow forth.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
An instigator.
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
I'm tired of this old broom. Got anything else I can ride?
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
Hey, I was reading through the Book of Numbers today, and I realized I didn't have yours.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
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