There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
My dad works in a steel plant.
He says it's very riveting.
Why did the belt get arrested? Because he held up a pair of pants. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!
I know somebody who likes you but if I weren’t so shy I would tell you who.
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I'd only have a dollar because you never leave my mind.
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.
Do you want to Australian Kiss?
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
Baby, when you're near me my heart beats like a hedgehog's. That's about 300 beats a minute.
What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.
What did the girl say before making a big decision?
‘Do not pressure me.’
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
I heard that burglars used grass to pick a lock and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
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