“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
I think you are suffering from a lack of Vitamin Me.
I like long runs on the beach.
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
Do you know how to hop? Because your body is in top form.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
When does the moon gets his/her stomach full? During full moon.
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
Alzheimer's Center Prepares For An Affair To Remember.
Time to spruce things up.
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
Your pheromones are driving me wild.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Know what? I dig you, really!
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Hey, do you still remember me? Oh, that’s right. We only met in my dreams.
Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
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