Are you a supermarket sample? Because I don’t want to be ashamed of tasting you over and again.
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
This coffee is steaming up my glasses or is that just you?
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
A fortune-teller told me you’ll give me your number tonight. Was she right?
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
What was the owl’s favorite Whitney Houston song?
Owl always love you.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
Thirty-three thousand people think that Thursday is their thirtieth birthday.
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
I would not be able to picture myself without having a camera phone.
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
Wow you’re the most beautiful girl I Eva seen
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
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