In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
Poor white splash.
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
Nothing really mattress.
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
My love for you is as crazy as mad cow disease.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
Are you from Tennessee?
Because you look inbred.
Q. Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Cafe?
A. Chocolate Moose.
Hey, let's hold a costume party. You can be a bank, and I can be alone!
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
What is a birch’s favorite dinosaur? The Tree
Rex.
My entire family keeps asking why I’m still single. Want to help me change that?
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut!
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
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