She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you are Cu-Te.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
We are mint to be.
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing but this is as close as I could get.
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention.
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
Hermit crabs’ house phones were always shell phones
My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB
Herb your enthusiasm.
"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard."
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
So, is it my dugout or yours?
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
"Let's get fizzical. Pass the prosecco."
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
I'd be Lyon to myself if I said I thought we weren't meant to be.
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied.
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!
Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
Why did the artist use the bathroom? Because she was consta-painted.
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
I feel an attraction between the two of us that is more than just our physical gravitation.
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
Hey baby, you caught my curiosity. Mind if I explore you a little?
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
Where do bulls get their messages? On a bull-etin board.
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