What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!
Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a Fineapple.
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
If it was 1984, and I was Big Brother, I'd only watch you.
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...
Current events.
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
My friend told me to come and meet you.
He said you're a really nice person. I think you know him.
Jesus, yeah that's his name.
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
Here comes the sun of my life
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
Do you have raisins? How about a date?
I stretched out my hamstrings, but every time I see you, I feel a tug at my heartstrings
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
You octopi my thoughts.
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
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