Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
Your earrings are the mirrors that reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
If you where a sheep I would clone you.
A 9 hour time difference wouldn't keep me from you.
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
What do you call a wet teddy bear?
A drizzly bear.
Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
We need to cover more ground so we should split up.
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
You elevate checking out to a mystical event worthy only of gods and champions.
Hello, allow me to hi-Jack this conversation
"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
― Toni Morrison, Jazz
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
I just want to take you out to brunch and shower you with quiches.
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
Nice beach balls, can I play?
I lost my grip, and my beer shattered on the floor.
This Corona outbreak is really getting out of hand.
What is an unlimited phone plan? A limit cannot be charged.
I hear your thirsty? Well I've got a six pack right here!
How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.
Are you like this mountain? Because I can’t seem to get over you.
You must be the one for me… Since my selectively permeable membrane let you through.
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
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