Jack is a lovable man with a colorful personality. He is a great hue-man.
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
The informant obtained their information by burying themselves in the ground, disguised with a crown and some rind. Police called him the pineapple plant.
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
She sells seashells by the seashore.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
Are you a lion of the sea? Because I’m sure, I’ll see you in my bed tonight, lion.
If I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes.
What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A long shot.
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
I like you a latke!
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
You’re as sweet as Pi.
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
On which website will you learn about the hidden gossips and secrets of the onion world? On the website Wiki-Leeks.
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language.
But I could never string together enough words to properly express how beautiful you are.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
Want to become my new personal best?
Forget hydrogen, you're my number one element.
Looking for some hunka hunka burning love?
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
Side effects may include infatuation, racing heart, and lowered inhibitions.
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
I’ve always followed in my father’s footsteps until today.
He turned around and said, “STOP!”
Omelette you in on a secret. You and I would brie perfectly gouda.
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
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