I would give anything to be your personal item.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
You’re so hot you make my lab goggles fog up.
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
My Aunt with half a plate left: I don't think I can eat anymore, this meat is just not appealing to me.
Me: Have a potato, it has a peal.
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
I’m soy into you.
I ain’t a personal trainer, but I can host a one-on-one workout !
We could do some cardio at your place
I'm no sandman, but I can take you to cotton candy land.
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
Excuse me, but I think I dropped something! My jaw.
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
You’re the gravy to my turkey.
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
Why do leaves change color in the fall? Because they want to leaf their old color.
Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.
A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.
What are you doing hanging out in aisle 3? You clearly belong in aisle 9. Aisle 10 is within arm's reach but that all depends on whether or not you'll have dinner with me.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
Let’s list the froze and cons.
What type of music should you play at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Sham-rock!
Pizza: the only time top-less isn't fun
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
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