You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
Take off all your cloves.
I’m a fraction – be my other half.
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? That depends on how fast you carry it!
If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.
Where do cats go when they lose their tail? A re-tail store!
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
You must be a choir director, because you make my heart sing!
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
Why don't zombies eat comedians?
They taste funny.
I’m Hazel-nuts about you
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
What is a gorillas favourite ice cream flavour.
Chocolate chimp.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
Better read than dead.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U.
Because you’re blocking the TV.
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
I can't believe I can't see the bottom of the ocean.
It's unfathomable.
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
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