Wondering what crows prefer with soup, crows like crowtons in their soup.
Is this the transfiguration?
Because you are glowing.
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
Q: What's a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
People tell me I have a good breaststroke, but I'd say I'm a pretty good swimmer too.
I got lost in the mist today.
I didn’t have the foggiest idea where I was.
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? They both depend on the batter.
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.
Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
The first time ever I saw your face I thought the sun rose in your eyes
I've seen a lot of Canada, but you could take me to the top of the world.
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
I’d be Ju-lyin’ if I said you weren’t super cute
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
You're the sinoatrial node of my heart. Without you, even a defibrillator won't save me.
What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
What would you call a singer who's really scared of medusa?
A rockstar.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus
Q: What do you call a windmill swallowed up by a tornado?
A: A wind meal
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
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