What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
My love for you simply radiates.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I Captain.
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.
Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"
Grandmother: "Where?"
Dad: "The stock market."
He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
He was going to sleep in a bucket of ice.
But then he got cold feet.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
You radiate in the shortest wavelengths I’ve ever encountered.
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
You have goat to be kidding me.
Something’s goat to give.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Juno.
Juno who?
Juno I love you, don't you?
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
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