I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
Wow, you're undeniably exothermic! I bet you get that reaction a lot.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
You snow the drill.
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
You're a beluga in this sea of cod.
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
Trowel and error.
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
Hey, wanna come to my place and observe something else that's constantly expanding?
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
I like the way you espresso yourself.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
Q. What did the doe say to the louse on her new baby fawn?
A. Gosh deer nit!
What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
Hey cutie nice pants, got any room in there for me.
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
Go to BabaMail
