Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
Why don't zombies eat comedians?
They taste funny.
Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.
There once was a Halloween party
All of the costumes there were naughty
I tried to be cute
Wearing my birthday suit
And won the prize for costume most gaudy.
The highlight of the year for dear old Dad
Was Halloween when treats were to be had
His modus operandi
Son you collect the candy
Snickers for me - licorice for you lad.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
Don’t worry, beer happy.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.
He was Tolkien all the way through.
You just caused a heat wave.
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
What is the preferred shampoo brand of truck drivers?
Lorry-el
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
Who is never hungry on Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because he’s already stuffed!
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
Did you here about the croc with a serious drug addiction?
It was a crackodile.
The crowd had filled up the venue and everyone was waiting for the bowling alley to open. Finally, they got the ball rolling.
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
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