I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
Never has there been a more romantic story than how those two geologists met.
It was lava at first sight.
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
I’m so lepre-gone right now.
Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs.
Turned out to be a dyer wolf.
Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
Don’t moss around.
Let's get out of here and explore the North Pole. I'm a rebel without a Claus.
Let's Taco about love.
Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
Let's skip the Netflix on the sofa and go straight to chill in my bed.
What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects? A con artist.
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
What is a lion’s favourite cheese?
Roarquefort
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
I could tell you a COVID joke...
But it would take two weeks for you to get it.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Do you like science because I've got my ion you.
What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.
What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.
What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?
The Mazda-lorian
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
Did you know I'm the Ronaldo of lovers?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
"You need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed often, and by someone who knows how."
- Clark Gable, Gone with the Wind (1939)
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Man: Any Generic Pick Up Line
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
Q. Which game do hunters go after first?
A. The nearest and the deerest.
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