It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
We’re mint to be.
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
The Doris locked, why do you think I'm knocking?
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
Why don't birds make cell phone calls? They might accidentally wing the wrong number.
Hey girl, I've got an extensive collection of solution manuals. Can I get your number?
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
Why didn't the artist replace his kitchen sink? Because he said that if it's not baroque, don't fix it.
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.
What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?
Penne Lane.
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
Man: "If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together."
Woman: "They got it right the first time with the N and O."
Hi, my name's Pogo. Wanna ride on my stick?
How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
Take me to Papa John's, because this is love at 425 degrees.
I’d be Ju-lyin’ if I said you weren’t super cute
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.
What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
A police officer knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bicycles what rubbish my dog doesn’t even own a bike.
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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