Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!
What do you call a small scoop of ice-cream? A uni-cone.
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
H20 is water, but what is H204?
It’s for swimming and drinking, of course.
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
Roses are red, violets are blue. In all this land, there’s no lady fairer than you.
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Déjà.
Déjà who?
Knock Knock!
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
Of all the girls I’ve seen on here, you’re at the top of m’Alice-t
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Wanted to use a cheesy pickup line but toBrianna-st with you, I think puns are sort of ovedone
get nervous when I fly; do you mind if I hold your hand?
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Want.
Want who?
Want, who ... three, four, five!
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
Why did the pig get fired? Insu-boar-dination.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
What do llamas always say after yoga class?
“Llamaste.”
Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.
I stumbled into a room where everyone's ears were missing.
I know it sounds EARy, but it wasn't.
I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…
Calling my new dog “Shark” was a mistake.
I’ve been banned from all my local beaches.
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
Where do dolphin races end?
Dolphinish line!
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