The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
Are you from pennsylvania cause I want to stick my pen in your sylvania.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
Want to become my new personal best?
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
I am lucky we are hiking together this evening.
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
I love you from my head tomatoes.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
Are you a cat because I'm feline a connection between us.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
I actually prefer that life give me lemons so that I can make a pretty lady like you some lemonade on a hot Summer's day.
How much does a polar bear weight? Enough to break the ice!
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? They both depend on the batter.
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
Go to BabaMail
