At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
I hopped on the bus yesterday afternoon. After a few minutes, the driver asked me to sit down like everyone else
Is that an energy bar in your pocket, or are you just happpy to see me?
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning.”
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fork
Fork who?
Fork-get it, I'm leaving!
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
You know I'm da man you been wading for.
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
What did the drum say about his childhood?
Those were the cymbaler days.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
Girl, are you fries? Because I would like you at my side.
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
"Grandparents' Advice"
Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!
– Mary R. Hurley
You're hotter than a Bunsen burner.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
There’s a new movie out called “The Truck.” I’ve seen the trailer, it looks great.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
Life without you is like a broken pencil... pointless.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
An eggroll.
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
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