What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
Nice legging. Are you making a fashion statement? Because you got my attention.
I’m so glad prohibition was repealed, because I’m drunk on you.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me any time you want to.
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
Why did the keyboard not get any sleep?...
Because it has two shifts.
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
I sulfur when you argon.
I can turn your software into hardware.
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
Irish you a whole pot of gold!
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
Hear about the race between the Yeti and the Sasquatch?
The Sasquatch won, by a big foot.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
Let’s make like an atom, and split.
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
Why do spider-musicians always have such long concert tours?
Because they have so many legs.
Hey there, will you Vio-let me take you out sometime this weekend?
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
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