“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.
"Giving you more reasons to wine."
Girl you're looking like a snack and I'm going on a diet.
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
Sorry, I've lost my number.
May I get yours?
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
Wow, two teaspoons? Lucky for you, I’m a pretty good spooner myself.
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
When does soil get rich?
When mother nature makes it rain.
My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
"Our relationship is like a fat guy."
"What?"
"It's not working out."
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
If you can’t decide which side to take to Thanksgiving.
Bringing your side piece is guarenteed to cause drama.
Do you wanna see a magic trick? Watch me pull something out of my pants!
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
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