This weekend is going to be LITerary.
It took 3 tries to approach you. I kept losing my breath.
What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A Hensemble.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!
Live to tell the tail.
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
Hey, are you Oscar? Because I really want to win you...
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
You're as classy as the first Pan Am flight.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
Love me till ice cream.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
"I know your feet must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
"You bake me crazy."
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
You must be mitochondria because you are the powerhouse of my heart.
"Eggs love you."
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
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