"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
They say that Disney World is "the happiest place on earth".
They've obviously never been in your arms.
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
Are you a fire detector?
Because you're loud and annoying.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
Wow, I was just wishing for a soulmate Anna minute later, we matched. What are the chances?
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
Did you hear that? They're playing our future song on the speakers!
Are you my new favorite song? Because I'd like to hear you on repeat.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
I think you're barbe-cute.
Where there’s a Willow there’s a way… and I hope this was a good way to break the ice
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
You’re the pumpkin pie of my eye.
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
We must be near an airport, because my heart just took off when I saw you!
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
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