“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
You smell... We should go take a shower together.
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
All punts are highly intended
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Are you sure you're not a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the One.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
I like you cherry much.
What money do zombies use?
Crypt-o-currency.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
I hope you prefer men who take grooming seriously.
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
A pretty lady wasn't on my shopping list but I can be spontaneous.
I recently ran a charity marathon to promote greener earth, but the run left me a little jaded.
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
Let's get out of here and explore the North Pole. I'm a rebel without a Claus.
Has a guy ever walked up to you just to tell you how beautiful you are?
They must have been much drunker than I am.
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
I followed my heart to you.
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