Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
Did Cyclops the X-man play hockey? Yes, he enjoyed lasing up the skates.
After hearing about my history major, my dad said, “You should go visit Italy in late August.Then you can witness The Fall of Rome."
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.
Why did the river refuse to join the sea? Because the sea was salty.
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
Within the labyrinthine bureaucracy prowls the deadly Adminotaur.
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
Hey Anna, how about you Anna I grab a drink sometime?
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
What did the river sue for?
Beaver damage.
Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
Because he couldn’t bear it!
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
Is your name Sunshine? Because you are “In my soul today”.
What natural disaster took out the ancient horses?
A volcanic stirruption.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
Why did the witch's cat scratch her?
Because he was in a bad mewd.
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
Are you my lines? Because I could never forget you.
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
(Rhona McFerran)
Once upon a Halloween night,
A coven of witches took flight;
They went to the UN;
Added an “F” to UN.,
From then on the world’s future was more bright.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.
There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.
Is there a fireman around? Because you are smoking hot.
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
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