Can you tell me the oxidation state of this atom? If you can’t, then you can tell me your phone number instead?
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
Have you noticed that most wolf parties begin at around midnight? Well, it is not by coincidence, it is so that they can have a howling good time.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
What do you call dogs who pay in the snow?
Slush puppies.
Nice beach balls, can I play?
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
France is beautiful in every Cezanne.
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.
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