"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
Did you hear about the constipated crocodile?
It was a crockashit.
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.
Sorry, I can't play hide and seek. Someone like you is simply impossible to find.
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.
What did the deer write in his journal every day? Deer diary.
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?
Reggae-Toni.
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
I’ve always wanted to be a farmer’s wife.
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
Paddy like a rockstar.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
Hey, beautiful. Where have you been Haydn?
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
Why don't birds make cell phone calls? They might accidentally wing the wrong number.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
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