I'm researching the most common digits in phone numbers. What's your number?
I think we may have been transported to the surface of Mercury because things became unbelievably hot when you walked into the room.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
Are you German? Cuz you’re a Nein and I’m the one Ja need.
A piano player got arrested at a wedding...
He was trying to root the relatives.
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
Can’t Lucy how perfect a date with me could be?
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
What do you call a 1 cent coin in Italy?
A penne.
If your heart was a prison, I would want to be sentenced to life.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
I want to read you from cover to cover.
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
Q: Why did the tornado take a break?
A: Because it ran out of wind!
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
Only a**holes use bidets.
Do you have a Band-Aid? I just scraped my knee falling for you.
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
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