What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils?
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
I nearly kicked my dog out, but we renegotiated the terms of his leash.
You're the ruler of my heart.
Hey girl… Can I call-cu-later?
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
That’s a-may-zing!
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
Were you forged by Sauron? Because baby, you're precious.
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Fowl weather.
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
What kind of berry has a coloring book? A crayon-berry
I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
Anything is popsicle during summer!
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
How did the turkey win the talent show? With his drum-sticks.
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
As a baseball player, I know my way around the bases.
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
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