I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
You’d better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart.
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Some see a puddle of mosquito larva.
I see a pool of enbitenment.
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
“That’s just spam.”
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
Are you from heaven? because you seem like an angel to me?
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
Will you be the perimeter to my world?
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
Icy what you did there.
Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
Why did the vampire get a COVID test?
Because he was COFFIN.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
I may study semantics, but you're what gives my life meaning.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you — hand over the cash!
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.
Kind of.. Kung Fusing
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