What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Where do penguins go to the movies?
At the dive-in!
Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
Hey there cyclist, do you need to use my pump?
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
My love for you is like this hike. It goes on and on.
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
Aloha is a soft laugh.
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
Seed between the lines.
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A mom-ster.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fossil
Fossil who?
Fossil last time, open the door!
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
Yo baby, you want to see me solve a quadratic?
I always tend to forget the french word for strawberry sometimes. But, then I eventually remember the fraise.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Aldo.
Aldo who?
Aldo anything for you.
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
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