So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
You must be a Magnetar because I feel a strong magnetism between us.
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
What's the best time of year to see gorillas in the wild? Ape-ril.
Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
Hey, do you still remember me? Oh, that’s right. We only met in my dreams.
Well, I’m definitely Madel-interested
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Double
Double who?
W!
"Do you have a cell phone I could use?"
"Why?"
"Someone has to call God and tell him that one of his angels is missing."
- Couples Retreat (2009)
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
I heard kissing is the language of love so...
Do you wanna start a conversation?
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.
I just flew on a plane with an all female flight crew.
It was an....unmanned aircraft.
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
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