What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
What is a lion’s favourite cheese?
Roarquefort
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.
You’re the Higgs boson particle of my life… Because without you, my universe wouldn’t “matter.”
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
Darling, I never want you to leaf me.
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you
are the one who can help me find someone like that.
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
The Grinch may have stolen Christmas, but you stole my heart.
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
Did you know this mall has a movie theater? I just saw a preview of our life together. Looks pretty good!
“Bah-Hum-Pug.”
The superconductor left without resistance.
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? Because you are BeAuTi-ful.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
You're spicier than Sriracha.
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
"Are you a witch because you sure got me spellbound."
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
I love you from my head tomato
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
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