“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse!
Why are cars so cheeky?
Because they are fuel of it.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
They found a plant that cures COVID-19!
It’s called plant yourself on the couch.
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
All I want is to fill that vacuum in your heart.
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
Roses are red, violets are blue. My heart began to beat when I first saw you.
What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
John Travolta has been diagnosed with the Corona Virus.
He had chills that were multiplying.
Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
Did you know that unicorns live in New York City? I swear why do you think their called uNYCorns?
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
Hey, are you a bear cub? Because you’re un-bear-ably adorable.
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.
A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant
He heard there was a fishy business.
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
Where does a thrifty Frankenstein get his limbs?
At the second-hand store.
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?
- Looks like you are running a femur.
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
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