What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.

What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth

"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern

This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.

Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.

An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.

I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.

What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?
- Looks like you are running a femur.

“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”

- Kelkulus.

"Before I speak, I have something important to say."

What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!

I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you until I'm sixty-four!

Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
Because he couldn’t bear it!

What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!

The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.

What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.

"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah

All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution

"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack

Hi, my friend thinks you're kinda cute, but I don't. I think you're absolutely gorgeous.

There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.

“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William

How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle

What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...

"Dying to have fun."

"Granddad's Got Hair"

Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.

Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."

– Graham Craven

Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.

Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.

What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.

“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”

- Douglas Adams.

You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.

What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.

Hey, is your name daisy? Because I can’t resist the urge to plant you right over my heart.

“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”

Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!

My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.

Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.

Football players get cheerleaders, but hockey players bring them home.

What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!

"Sweet Misery"

When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!

— Susanna Rose

My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!

I would give anything to be your personal item.

My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our backyard.
She's a keeper.

What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !

We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.

Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming

Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.