What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
I'm an endurance athlete. Think you can stand the HIIT?
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call the FINE print!
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"
You can hold my hand if you're afraid of camp fire stories.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
I summoned the dragon just for you. Now its time to make your wish come true.
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.
Hey, would you like to be lab partners? It would be a pleasure to do some anatomy and biology experiments with you.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”
Even the most powerful storms of Jupiter couldn’t keep me from you!
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
Your presence gives meaning to my yoga practice and enlightenment.
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
You had me at ruff.
You must be Portuguese because I could Lisbon to that accent all night long.
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
I whale always love you.
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
Have you been to the doctor's lately? Cause I think you're lacking some vitamin me.
What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?
A lunar cycle.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
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