You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
My love for you is like no otter.
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amish!
Amish who?
You're not a shoe!
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
What do you call a large gorilla who appears to be in a bad mood?
Sir.
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
What’s a goat’s favorite musical?
Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat.
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
Water you doing on [date]?
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
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