I heard you like math, so what’s the sum of U+Me?
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
Europe early this morning!
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.
Frankenstein wasn’t very compliant.
He was mad and annoyed and defiant.
But he happened to pass
Anger management class —
And turned into The Jolly Green Giant!
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
What do you call a wet teddy bear?
A drizzly bear.
During holidays, soccer referees send their families yellow cards.
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
What’s a horse’s favorite dinosaur?
The broncosaurus.
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?
A lunar cycle.
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
Hey, I don’t know what you think of me but I hope it’s X-rated.
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
I have no idea how you can look so great pre-coffee.
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
Aww, what's your pup's name? He has such a sweet face.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
Have you ever driven a boat? Try to park it on my dock.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
Why did the sloth get fired from his job? He would only do the BEAR minimum.
Go to BabaMail
