Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
What board game do deer families always play?
Buck-gammon.
You didn't hear the joke about cell phones?
Probably because it had a bad reception.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.
What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.
Even though there's no ball game on tonight, we can still slam it.
What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A Bloody Mary.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
What was the horse’s best ballroom dance? The Foxtrot.
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
Hey girl, I've been warming up this bench for you my whole life.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
I love your energy.
What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
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